How our behaviors are informed by our past: exploring family culture and emotional language
I had a friend pose an interesting question when they read my previous post “Celebrating Small Accomplishments”. The question was simple, “I wonder why we don’t celebrate small accomplishments? Is it something we learn from childhood?” The short of it is, yes and no.
If you feel like you are the only person who is not able to celebrate accomplishments, let me tell you, you are not alone. The way we experience accomplishments is comprised of multiple factors including sociocultural dynamics, family culture, and our own lived experience. It is important to note that when exploring family culture, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula. I wish there was. However, as you read this post, bring all your focus and attention to your own family dynamics and how all of this may apply.
There are many factors to consider in the “why” of it all, but let’s do a little exercise for a minute. I would like you to close your eyes and think about your childhood and the messages you received about accomplishments and emotions (literally anything). Reminder, silence is a message. Take a moment and reflect and write these messages down. Now, what did those messages tell you?
Some people may remember receiving encouragement, others may remember comments that felt dismissive or minimizing, and some others may remember the deafening silence of it all.
Accomplishments and Emotions.
As you think of what you were told, ask yourself, “What did I actually hear?” I find that there is a paradox in what we are told and what we actually hear. We are often told that we should “feel good” or “be proud,” however, some of us actually hear the “and… what’s next” tone of it all. Our emotional experience of accomplishments is often rapid and short-lived.
I want you to think of the last time that you allowed yourself to just feel. I’m talking about feeling every single one of the emotions that come with an accomplishment or otherwise. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When we start exploring our family culture, we may find that certain emotions weren’t acceptable. Each individual family has their own way of “dealing” with emotions. Some are “acceptable,” others are “too loud,” and others are only meant to be felt when we are out of sight and alone.
Experiencing emotions may come with conflicting feelings such as fear, shame, and guilt. When we experience conflicting feelings, we may find ourselves doubting, minimizing, and/or deflecting. We may even start questioning whether our emotions are valid because “What if we feel too much?” or “Was it really that big of a deal?” Self-doubt and self-criticism are common side dishes and things I hear often, especially when emotions weren’t normalized in the family culture.
However, as I often tell my clients, you need to remember that now, as an adult, you can choose to do things differently.
Celebrating our accomplishments is an emotional experience. When we truly allow ourselves to recognize our accomplishments, we are allowing ourselves to reflect on the emotional journey, the pitfalls, and the pinnacle of it all. Now, learning to experience our accomplishments may require multiple trials and errors. When you reflect on your childhood family culture, ask yourself, what did you learn about your emotions, and how does that translate into the present? Do you allow yourself to be emotional? Do you hide your emotions? Do you shove them into a corner?
Reflect on your responses and consider whether you would like to change how you respond. Remind yourself that whatever you answered, you came by it honestly. If you would like to change how you respond, the good news is - you can.
Emotions and Their Existence.
It is important to note that every culture is different in its emotional expression. What may seem like a grand expression of emotion in one may appear to be minimal in another. Therefore, I would encourage you to think of the range in which emotion is expressed, specifically in your culture, as you read this. Focus on your family unit and how this may apply.
Emotions exist for a reason; just like everything else in our bodies, they are giving us information about the present and the past. Sometimes, they give us information about what needs to change. When we are informed, we become better equipped in knowing what we need, what we like, and what we don’t. They are also a great guide into our own boundaries, allowing us to explore intrinsic and extrinsic boundaries. They allow us to engage and connect, offering an avenue to be a part of an experience.
Allowing ourselves to experience emotions may feel overwhelming. In some cases, people may experience something called “alexithymia.” Alexithymia is defined as “the inability to recognize or describe one’s emotions.” However, in an amazing book called “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Relationships” written by Nedra Tawwab, the author offers suggestions to normalize and introduce emotions into your everyday. Here are some of the suggestions:
Using an emotion wheel, pick one emotion on a daily basis and familiarize yourself with it. Define it. Think of a time when you felt that emotion.
Track your mood throughout the day in your journal.
Journal about your feelings; at the end of the day, think about what feelings you experienced.
Practice expressing your emotions in conversations; start with someone who feels safe and secure to you.
Engage in therapy to assist you in learning how to recognize and name emotions.
Now that we’ve explored some of the messages that you received about emotions, think about how you would like to change your emotional experience. Reflect on what it would be like for you to be able to name and experience what you feel. If you don’t know where to start, may I suggest starting with one of the suggestions above?
Celebrating accomplishments is an emotional task. Sit with the messages that you have received and think about what you would like to do differently. Remind yourself you now have a choice.
