Little Things Often: Couples Edition
Have you ever wondered why acknowledging our partners is important? Would you be surprised to know that there is research behind this? Here we will dive into Gottman’s 5:1 ratio: the when, the where, the how, and most importantly, the why.
One of the issues present in most couples therapy is the feeling of loneliness and disconnection. The daily routine of work, parenting, and just life seems to be so overwhelmingly present that there is little time for anything else. Our daily relational contributions become rigid expectations and a part of the way “things are.” We sometimes fail to recognize and realize that these “expectations” are a choice, a choice that we make on an ongoing basis.
If you asked yourself this question, “In what way did we contribute to the relationship today?” what would your answer be? My guess: you could think of all the things you did individually, but may have a little bit more difficulty thinking about your partner’s contributions.
Now, if you asked yourself, “Did we take the time to verbally acknowledge the efforts we both made to our relationship today?” what would your answer be then? Maybe the answer is yes, maybe it’s sometimes, oftentimes the answer is “not nearly enough.”
This question may require some radical honesty and vulnerability because you may find yourself thinking, “Well, we contributed in the ways that are expected.” But don’t daily relational efforts and contributions make our lives a little easier? And, don’t they deserve to be noticed and explicitly recognized?
What if we made an active choice to notice the way our relationship is showing up for us? We can actively choose to acknowledge all the small things that happen in the in-between that help our relationship function.
Choosing connection.
Reflect on today and think of a moment in which you felt even the slightest feeling of connection. Connection is felt; it is an experience in which we feel recognized, seen, maybe even validated. Now, think of how that connection happened. My guess is, someone initiated the connection, and the attempt to connect was received in a positive way. A moment of connection can be as simple as, “I hope you have a good day,” and having your partner reciprocate with, “I hope you do too!”
I enjoy the simple things, such as a morning cup of coffee. Especially when we have had a night storm where I am woken up by thunder and my shivering, scared dog. Oftentimes, I am also woken up by something else: the smell of coffee that my partner has just made. As I explained in one of my posts, coffee is very much a part of my family culture and a deep form of connection. As soon as I smell coffee, I feel an immediate sense of gratitude towards my partner and his effort. And yes, this effort was acknowledged. Now, can you think of a moment in which you experienced connection with your partner?
By choosing to acknowledge your partner’s efforts, you are choosing to maintain an ongoing connection. Maintaining a connection, especially when our emotional energy is minimal, can feel challenging and vulnerable, but can also be very rewarding and satisfying. I am a fan of simplicity, especially when I feel emotionally drained, because I have realized that sometimes I need to hit pause and acknowledge and recognize what is happening in front of me.
It is also crucially important (I will say this more than once because it is vital) that our attempts to connect are acknowledged/reciprocated in order to feel genuine connection. Notice what feels true and what exists.
By actively engaging in these acts, we are making deposits into what Gottman calls “the emotional bank account.”
Now, let us dive into what dictates an acknowledgement as a connection-seeking device.
Gottman: Bids, 5:1, and The Emotional Bank Account
I previously talked about Celebrating Small Successes, and it may seem like I am speaking to the same thing; however, there is a slight difference. Here we are focusing on the “bids” for connection that are happening on an ongoing daily basis, a culture of turning towards your partner, and making daily deposits into the emotional bank account.
Remember, reciprocity is key here, so it may require a conversation with your partner (or maybe send them the post?).
What is a bid for connection?
A bid is an attempt to connect. Think of a moment in which your partner connected with you by asking a question, making a comment, or even nonverbally through touch. When these acts are acknowledged by our partners in a positive way, we are actively engaging in “turning towards,” meaning the attempt to connect was a success. The more you bid and the more the bids are acknowledged (or successful), the more deposits we make into our emotional bank account.
Now, what is an emotional bank account? Think of your emotional bank account as an invisible “checking” account in which the more deposits you make, the bigger your account grows, the more resilient your relationship becomes. The magic number researched by Dr. Gottman is 5:1; 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. Meaning 5 bids for connection through which our partner turned towards us and acknowledged the connection (connection was a success), to 1 failed bid (the relationship turned against or away from the bid).
When the relationship engages in a daily practice of connection (verbal or nonverbal) and the attempts to connect are received/acknowledged, our emotional bank account grows and becomes more resilient.
Also, score keeping is highly discouraged; do yourselves a favor and get rid of the score board.
Takeaway
Have a conversation with your partner and start an ongoing practice of bidding and turning towards. You may find yourself noticing that intentional acknowledgement and connection will help your relationship grow.
