Celebrating Small Successes: Couple’s Edition

Have you ever found yourself stuck in your relationship? You try to reflect on the things that are going well, but you end up with a list of all of the things that need to change? In my work, I’ve noticed that the smaller accomplishments and successes are often dismissed or minimized. It isn’t until couples pause and reflect that they are able to recognize small successes.

So, what is a success?

A success is a small moment of change where you accomplished what you wanted. Maybe the relationship resolved an issue in a way that felt better, maybe you were able to create time for each other, maybe you were able to understand each other a little more. Or maybe you paused for a second and said good morning to each other.

Why is this important? I would invite you to reflect on your day-to-day. What do you find yourself doing? More often than not (hate to admit this), we’re focused on all the things that could be better, that need to change, and we somehow convince ourselves that if this change happened, everything would be better. But, what if the thing we think that needs to change is not really the thing that needs to change? That’s a tongue twister.

What if the change that needs to happen is recognizing the good that is already happening? Celebrating through recognition of the things that are going well?

Picture this…

Let’s say it’s another day where you wake up (late), you’re rushing to eat whatever resembles a breakfast, have your morning coffee, and get to work. Traffic is crazy (after all, we are in Austin), and you barely make it on time for work. You are at work and you have back-to-back meetings (because someone, somehow, always thinks this is a good idea). You wrap up your work day and go home, and you feel exhausted.

You’re trying to once again make anything that resembles dinner, and by the end of the day, all you want to do is just have a little time to yourself. Feels overwhelming just writing this. And the kicker is, now you have to figure out what the moments of success were? It feels like a practical joke.

Now, slow down, take a deep breath, and really think about your day. From start to finish. Ask yourself, in what ways did you experience partnership today? Did you greet each other in the morning? Did you connect during the day? Was there physical affection? Did you help each other in the morning or the afternoon? Did you connect in a nonverbal way? Even if these moments happened for a few seconds, they count!

And now, we have our moment of success. By verbalizing this moment as a success to each other, now we have something to capitalize on. Maybe this experience can happen a little more often now that you are aware of it.

Why this works

Think of how much we allow ourselves to sit with the negative or the things that are not going well. I would invite you to take a minute (literally) and create a mental list of all the things that need to improve. Got it? Ok, now take a minute and think of all the things that are already working and going well. Got it? Ok. Which list is longer? My guess: the list of things that need to improve.

Things could always be better, however, when we don’t pay attention to what’s already working, we’re not tapping into the resources that already exist that could actually help our relationship improve.

If we choose to recognize and explicitly verbalize the things that are going well, we are effectively choosing to pay attention to the strengths and successes that the relationship has. The more positivity we generate in and about our relationship, the stronger the relationship feels.

Takeaway

During the week, I would like to invite you to pay attention to a moment of success within the relationship. Once you’ve identified this moment, verbalize this to your partner. You can start by saying, “I was proud of us when…”

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Little Things Often: Discovering What Fills Your Cup on an Ongoing Basis

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Celebrating Small Accomplishments: The Peanut Butter Cup Moment